It Was A Matter Of Time…

It all started with a blade in my hand at 21

I was alone in a bathroom with nowhere to run

I sat down on that toilet stool on the fall of 2013

Took a look at my worthless life and I jabbed that steel in me.

That pain I felt when I did the deed made everything easier in me.

The scars, the cuts, the marks, the scars, they all became the vice I would need.

Since then, i’ve been using it as a way to relieve my pain.

On a one way ticket to hell and that devil knows my name.

At 22, I held that demon at bay.

Still, there were days that he would come to stay.

Started to throw those razors away

And I finally knew how to face the day.

Met me a girl that grew to love my scars.

Who would have thought that she would break my heart?

After she left, my fucking world fell apart

And I would carve the words “I loved you” on my left arm.

At 23, my whole life would change

I didn’t know how to deal with my pain

The new cuts would put the old ones to shame

Cause February 14th would be my day to claim

Argued with a friend that I held dear

Saw through my lies and my false tears

I broke her heart.

My only friend.

I knew on Valentine’s Day my life would surely end.

Hung out with friends on that Saturday night.

Had me some drinks to get the feeling right, but I remembered that final fight, so I rushed to my room and went to grab that knife.

Went to my bed and stared at the wall

And I knew I had to end this once and for all

So I swiped away.

I cut my skin.

Saw the blood

Regret set in.

I took that breath that I held dear

And I looked back to my last year

I had my friends, I had my life, I lived it hard without thinking twice.

I had a mom that loved me more, and now her son lay dying on a bathroom floor.bt81EV4A3ifK15RiNSSeF6Nuw8nT9TqDveIfreSYY5E

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Wear Your Weakness With Pride.

*Disclaimer: The subject matter in this blog post may not be suitable for everyone.*
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I am a Cutter.

For the last 2 years, I have intentionally made cuts and scratches onto my skin. What started as a couple of cuts turned into a BIG problem. It almost even cost me my life. Twice! It is something that I struggle with every day. I look at my body and I see over 100+ cuts and scars on my body. I try to hide the scars, but people always find out about it. So I want to explain why I did it.

I cut because I hated myself. I felt alone. I felt ugly. I felt that there was no one that cared for me. I felt like I only caused hurt to everyone I met.  I thought that the only way to say “I’m sorry” was to mark myself. I started in 2013. I used a little shaving razor in my bathroom. It started as a cut here, a cut there. They were too small for anyone to notice. Over the course of a few months, the scars got bigger. I started lying to people about how the cuts got there:

“Oh, this scar? I fought a cat.”
” I fell off a bike.”
“I fought….like 9 dudes at a bar.”
“I…uh……fought a Tiger”.

I wanted to tell people the truth, but I was afraid. I didn’t want people to think I was crazy. I have an active social life. I have a lot of friends. They would be scared of me if I told them. They would call me a freak and have me committed! Looking back, I wish I would have told them. It would have stopped if I did.

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Unfortunately, the cutting got worse. In 2014, the cuts were halfway down my forearm. The worst accident came in February 2015. I had a huge fight with my best friends. They didn’t want anything to do with me. It was my fault. I felt so low. I got the sharpest thing I could find and I swiped away at my arm. I went to the hospital shortly after. After I got out, I cut even more. Every week there would be some fresh cuts. The local CVS got so used to me buying band aids, they started knowing me by name. When I ran out of room cutting on my arm, I cut on my chest. Then, I went down to my stomach. I knew I needed to stop. Finally, reality hit me when I looked in the mirror. I saw my bare body in front of me. What I stared at was a body so full of scars. My body used to be so clean and smooth. It was perfect. I looked long and hard. What if a woman I really liked saw my body? Who would want a dude that cuts himself? It was for that reason that I started sobbing. I fell to the floor and yelled at the top of my lungs. I felt ugly. I felt like a monster…..a freak. I decided to tell my good friend at her job that I needed help. She understood what I was going through and helped me through this issue. She made me realize that I was loved; that I was wanted. She saved my life that day.
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Now, I can say that I am getting better. My scars are healing, and i got my confidence back. I remembered who I was again. I am just taking it one day at a time. Most of my friends still don’t know that I have this issue. For that, I’m sorry. I didn’t want you guys to leave me. Now, I don’t care who knows. 
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To the people reading this that have the same problem I have, PLEASE GET HELP!. It took me 3 hospital visits, 1 worried mother, 6 concerned best friends, 2 devastated brothers, 3 people leaving, and over 100 scars on my body to realize that this was ONE BIG PROBLEM!! You are loved. You are wanted. People do care about you. You aren’t alone in this.

So say what you will about me. I dont really care. I’m not looking for sympathy or attention. I just want awareness. I also want to break the stigma that only teenage girls, kids, and people that like My Chemical Romance are the only ones that cut. I started cutting when I was 21. This effects a lot of people of a lot of age groups and backgrounds.

I’ve gotten better. My life is pretty amazing! I have some of the best people in my corner backing me up! I’ve learned that scars do heal. I’ve learned that my family and friends are all I need to get through the day. And if they aren’t around, I have the confidence to help myself. I’ve actually grown to love these scars. They tell the story of a guy that was struggling with his life. However, he survived. And he did get better. He decided that he valued himself more than the razors and knives. He gained his life back. Everyone has weaknesses. I just happen to wear mine on my body.  Thanks for reading! Hope this helps!

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I Love you, Chipotle

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Dear Chipotle,

Oh Chipotle. Where do I even start? Its been 7 amazing years since we began our beautiful relationship. You remember right? Of course you remember. I was that shy 15 year old kid when I walked into your restaurant. I swung open those doors, and you welcomed me with open arms. You took me in when I needed you the most. My last relationship with McDonalds left me feeling….empty. I wanted more. There was a line for you. Anxiously, I waited with my friends to see why these people waited in line for you. What could possibly make you THAT good? I wanted to find the answer. You blew me away when the employee said “Hi! Welcome to Chipotle! What would you like?”. My eyes scurried across the menu. In my haste, I said “A Burrito Bowl, please.” The employee looked at me and silently nodded. “Would you like a tortilla on the side?” OF COURSE I WANT ONE! You really know how to treat a guy don’t you? I then walked towards the amazing selection of Chicken, Beef, and vegetables you offered. I was intoxicated by the heavenly smell. You made sure I was treated like a king. I eagerly pointed to the white rice, chicken, and beef that I wanted. Fajitas?? Of course! Corn? Hell yes! Just when I thought I was satisfied with your kindness, I was welcomed with another surprise.

“Did you want Guacamole sir?”

Could this be? Was this the infamous green dip that everyone raved about? IT WAS!! I looked her dead in the eye and said “Yeah, sure.” I could have cried. It was such a beautiful moment. “Its $2 extra, sir.” 2 dollars? I laughed. It was a small price to pay for this amazing gift from God himself. She put the bowl in a brown bag and went to the cash register. “9.50 sir”. I gave her 10 dollars in cash and said my thanks. I raced outside to find the nearest place I could sit. I opened the bag, and I found the prize that waited for me. It was beautiful. That first bite was heaven. LITERALLY FREAKING ANGELS WERE SINGING IN MY EAR! I couldn’t get enough of you. With every bite, it brought me closer to God. I can never explain the feeling you gave me.

7 years later, we still have an amazing relationship. You have been with me through the good times and the bad. Please, don’t ever leave me. Or I’ll go to Quadoba. OH, WHO AM I KIDDING? I never want to leave you! Stay with me forever Chipotle.

With all my love,
Dre.

Dre

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